


Anxious

by jae_hhoney



Series: Xiuchen angst [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Jongdae is anxious, M/M, Minseok tries to help, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-12-03 05:48:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11525817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jae_hhoney/pseuds/jae_hhoney
Summary: No one ever notices Jongdae.





	Anxious

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I'm working out my feelings right now

The pressures of being an idol had started getting to him long ago, but no one ever notices Jongdae. How he feels. How he has emotions too. That's the price to pay for being the "happiest idol."

* * *

One:  
anx·i·e·ty  
aNGˈzīədē  
noun  
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

de·pres·sion

dəˈpreSH(ə)n  
noun  
feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

He shows how he feels if you look close enough. His furrowed eyebrows when he thinks no one's watching, the tears burning in the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill, fingers dug into his skin, and knuckles white. His form tense and only getting worse since he had to physically stop himself from shaking.

The weight of the world had come crashing down onto his shoulders. Anything and everything eating him from the inside, and there was no way to stop it. He felt powerless, the anxiety of life was like a ball and chain, holding him down from where he needed to go. It was like he was a faucet and someone left him running until he was drained. Jongdae was cold and hot at the same time and he wanted it to end. A million thoughts were running though his head.

' _Am I going insane?'_

_'What's this pain in my chest, what if it's serious?'_

' _What was that bump in the road? What if we get into a car accident?'_

' _Why am I feeling this way?'_

' _Why is everything falling apart?'_

' _Why aren't I happy anymore?'_

' _Why don't I care?'_

But of course, Jongdae just sat there. With his burning eyes, white-knuckled hands, and tense form. But of course, no one noticed.

* * *

Two:  
ob·liv·i·ous  
əˈblivēəs/  
adjective  
not aware of or not concerned about what is happening around one.

That's what they all were. Oblivious. All he had to do to convince him was put on his best fake smile, and bite his cheek hard enough to stop shaking. That's all it took for them to go back, and focus on something else. No one would ever notice how he felt. Especially not the one person that mattered. 

"You okay, Jongdae?" Baekhyun asked. Jongdae plastered on a fake smile."Of course! I'm fine, don't worry hyung!"

"Okay, just making sure!" Baekhyun said brightly, before turning back to his conversation with Chanyeol. 

Jongdae, on the other hand, went back to staring out the car window and trying not to cry in front of his members. 

' _You know, it's your own fault that no one notices. You never share anything, and you fake it constantly. One day you're just going to wither away and no one will notice._ '

"Shut up." Jongdae hissed quietly to himself.

"Did you say something hyung?" Kyungsoo asked. 

Jongdae feigned innocence, soon after burying his face in his hands, and trying to block out anything and everything. 

What Jongdae himself didn't notice was Minseok frowning at him from across the van.

* * *

Three:  
ex·haus·tion  
iɡˈzôsCH(ə)n  
noun  
a state of extreme physical or mental fatigue.

That's what Jongdae was. He was exhausted. He was tired. He was tired of everything. He didn't want to feel. He didn't want to be afraid, or nervous, or anything. He just wanted to live in a state of existence where he didn't have to deal with this. For once in his life, he wanted to be emotionless. Just for a bit. Until he could stop feeling so drained.

He really wasn't sure how much he could take. 

* * *

 

 Four:  
a·ware·ness  
əˈwernəs  
noun  
knowledge or perception of a situation or fact.

Minseok was aware. Jongdae wasn't okay. He noticed it. All of it. The tears threatening to spill, the white-knuckled hands, and the tense form of his once best friend, who had been withdrawn for months.

But tonight, enough was enough. He was going to confront Jongdae. He wanted Jongdae to be happy again. He wanted his best friend to be okay. He wanted Jongdae's real smile back.

* * *

Five:  
con·front  
kənˈfrənt  
verb  
face up to and deal with (a problem or difficult situation).

Minseok brought his fist up to the door, hesitating to knock. This could potentially go horribly, and he knew this. Once he did the door opened almost immediately.

"Hi hyung! Did you need something?" Jongdae asked with a falsely cheerful tone, and weak smile. 

Walking into the hotel room, Minseok wasted no time.

"What's wrong Jongdae?" 

"N-nothing, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Cut the bullshit, Jongdae. Tell me what's going on with you. Do you think I haven't noticed? Do you think I don't know what you look like when you're holding back tears? That I don't notice how withdrawn you've been, how fake your smiles are, how much you've been shaking?" Jongdae had already begun shrinking in on himself, and Minseok was getting more upset by the minute. "Tell me what's going on, I'm here for you, we're all here for you! You just need to let people in. Stop faking it, and admit you need help!" Minseok nearly yelled. 

Hearing it out loud was horrible for Jongdae, and the full extent of how long this had been going on, and how much he'd been hurting hit him. 

Jongdae was close to breaking down. Trying to hide his tears behind his hand, and turning away from Minseok. Not trusting his voice at the moment. 

* * *

Six:  
ad·mit  
ədˈmit  
verb  
1.  
confess to be true or to be the case, typically with reluctance.

Minseok didn't fully realize that Jongdae was crying until he heard the soft sniffling, and saw the shake of his shoulders. He slowly approached the boy, and held him close, carding his fingers through bleached, damaged hair.

"Shhh it's okay Dae. Just talk to me." Minseok murmured to his best friend.

"I'm sorry Minseok," he started, breath hitching, "I-I should've come to y-you s-sooner."

"You don't need to apologize Dae." The elder said soothingly. Small sobs were still racking the younger's body as he nearly clung onto Minseok. 

Jongdae pulled away, wiping his eyes to no avail. 

"I should probably explain what's happening..." Jongdae started reluctantly, tears still streaming, "I'm... I'm not alright Min, I feel to anxious all the time. About everything, yet at the same time I feel indifferent. I'm not happy, yet I don't care and it scares me." He twisted his fingers further into the fabricate of Minseok's shirt, and buried his face in the crook of his neck, taking comfort in the elder's warmth. He must've been getting snot and tears on Minseok's shirt but neither of them could bring themselves to care. "I-I'm scared, Min." He finally whimpered out, as he pulled away. 

Minseok hugged him again, and promised him, "We'll be there for you. All of us. Especially me. It's going to be okay." Minseok himself wasn't sure of what to do, but he'd try his best. 

 Jongdae didn't believe him now. Not in the least. But he truly hoped he would one day. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading


End file.
